By Susi Lamoutte
As I ponder Bonnie’s March Community News article on Fifty Shades of Grey, I can’t help but think of the stories I’ve heard while leading the small discipleship group that is working through The Wounded Heart, by Dan Allender. Allender’s book is about the damage of sexual abuse. The group consists of women attempting to make sense of what happened, understand how it has affected them, and to seek God’s healing. Every person’s story is different—perpetrators from different parts of life (family, adults who are close friends, trusted older kids), different circumstances, different manifestations of abuse, different durations, and different numbers of incidences—yet there is a clear set of results women (and men) experience due to sexual abuse by men (or women) in their lives, some to a severe degree.
Modes of “entertainment”—movies, song lyrics, Internet content, and books even far beyond Fifty Shades of Grey—have served to desensitize the understanding of sexuality for both the men and women who partake of them. Despite the fact that someone who has been violated sexually is damaged, whether it be instigated through deception or force, violent or not, by someone unknown or known to them, this line of entertainment has numbed some consumers to consider these depicted behaviors as acceptable and even normal, and that sexually abusing or wrongly using someone is okay.
We discussed Bonnie’s article regarding Fifty Shades of Grey in this year’s Wounded Heart group. Here are some quotes from the women who have first-hand experience and pain from being the recipients of sexual acts that have been negatively formative in their lives.
In reality, women are oppressed in this way and subjugation to sexual acts is so common, but people find that entertaining. But this is some people’s normal, everyday life.
That people are reading and watching these stories, and being entertained, is disrespectful of someone else’s pain. This is inhumane.
People are so willing to read, see, or hear fiction, but not ready to hear people’s real life stories and help.
This shows how naïve and ignorant many are of what is going on in homes and other places.
Sexual abuse is defined by Dan Allender as: any contact or interaction (visual, verbal, or psychological) between a child/adolescent and an adult when the child/adolescent is being used for the sexual stimulation of the perpetrator or any other person. Additionally, an older family member (teenager to child) or an older adult to a young naïve person, such as in Fifty Shades of Grey, with the same dynamics, constitutes abuse.
What happens to a person with these experiences? There are several things that may, to varying extents and sometimes severely, affect people such as confusion, shame, contempt for herself or himself, self-blame, denial regarding many things, inability to trust whatever gender did the damage, and difficulty with intimacy in marriage. Most often, it is kept a secret and eats away at a person’s self-value and ability to embrace life. Then, of course, there are sexually transmitted diseases, physical harm, and unwanted pregnancies.
The consumption of all forms of pornography in our culture is rampant, and sexual addiction is not uncommon. Having the privilege of being trusted with 60 or 70 sad, unfortunate, and simply horrendous stories over the years, I can say that the vast majority included perpetrators who used pornography himself or herself. This is NOT to say that all who employ pornography for their own entertainment will abuse, but most of those who abuse are pornography users or addicts. The use of pornography for both men and women is a dangerous (in addition to sinful) road to travel.
Statistics are varied. Some say that 60% of girls have been sexually abused in some manner. A common number found is that 30% of girls have been physically sexually abused, as well as 10-20% of boys. One study reports that 28% of adults surveyed reported sexual abuse/assault between ages 14-17. Kids ages 7-13 are most at risk. And, I am sorry to say, this is going on around us and among us. Just review the statistics.
Some of us who have been abused and damaged in this area of life need healing and have much work to do, often with difficulty. In God’s mercy there is healing to be had. If there is any such experience in your life, seek God’s healing and please get help or support from fellow believers.
May we as a community of believers take seriously the Bible’s teaching that sex is a sacred act between husband and wife. We can make a difference for our youth, for our children, even for ourselves as adults, by actively rejecting these deplorable literary and cinematic presentations of wrong sexual relationships and advocating God’s view of healthy, sexual expression. That probably means addressing what our children see on magazine covers at the grocery store, in commercials for raunchy shows or movies we see during sporting events, on TV, etcetera. Unfortunately, we are in an uphill battle against cultural standards that are steadily declining. May God have mercy.